/ Sunday, August 8, 2004, 01:19 p.m.

I would like to say that I really need to shit. But I fear the kitchen toilet. My mum's toilet is used. *screws up face*

Okay Idris. You gay hopper you. I admit that I love you. I got you under my skin. I still think you're more fun without your shoes tho. They make you become an old fuddy duddy. Maha.

I love National Day '04. We made a rock concert out of Count On Me Singapore. MOSHPIT(in ethnic costumes)! Ili Ma crashed into a few bewildered bystanders. I think it was Joey in a kimono and friends. Hahaha. Fun Fun Fun. Filzt looked both like a girl and awesome. MOD baybeh. Ili was a mamasan who wore nappies in the bus. Ooooh.. we took soft porn photos. They were yummy and fun. LIKE GUMMY BEARS!

I woke up this morning and looked out the window. I saw a van that says "Jesus Loves You". So I was wondering when you're a Christian..who do you pray to..? Jesus or God? If you can pray to either one then when do you decide which one to pray to? Hrm.. I'll make it point to ask Ameal. I refuse to make superficial assumptions about other people's religions and to end up being a complete facist.

I NEED TO SHIT. *scarpers off*

/ Thursday, August 5, 2004, 08:57 p.m.

Firstest! Thank you Ili darling for fixing up my layout AGAIN.
*yawns*
Okay that's it. I'll continue next time.
zZzZzzz..

/ Friday, July 23, 2004, 04:00 p.m.

I don't believe in love.

I don't believe in us.

I don't think we have much of a future.

I'm sorry.

Why did you let me fall out of love?

/ Thursday, July 22, 2004, 06:58 p.m.

Idris do you love me? If you do, can you tell me what it is? I don't really believe in love. It's one of those feelings I can't quite put my finger on. I never really know exactly what it is, when I'm feeling it. It's not like happiness, anger or frustration. I don't know if what I'm feeling is really love, not infatuation, not lust. Sometimes i think it's there. Sometimes I think I've let it slip away. So if I don't know when exactly I'm feeling it, how can it exist?

I woke up this morning and thought of one thing; Idris. He was the only person I wanted to see. I wanted to breathe him in. To make him part of my blood. To keep me alive.

Stood at the bus stop and found myself staring at an ite guy. He turned. He looked nothing like Idris. Surprising me. In my mind male equals Idris. There are no others. Surprising me. When did it come to this point? How did I let it come to this?

With Idris sometimes I feel flawed. So very human. Entirely made of imperfections. Never good enough. I realise those thoughts only appear in my head. I don't know what he thinks though.

But sometimes, with Idris. I am edgeless. Bound by nothing. Mentally, physically, I am light, quick and powerful. I can anything and everything. The feeling is beautiful. Too bad it doesn't last.

For all his flaws. And for everything thing that is beautiful about Idris, I like being with him. In his way he is perfect for me. Right now I won't leave him for anything. If he can make me believe then he is the one I love. Him and no one else.

/ Sunday, July 11, 2004, 02:26 p.m.

just testing this thingy.mahaahaha

/ Tuesday, July 6, 2004, 09:51 p.m.

Hi. I'm not Hana. I'm Ili. I just crashed myself into her account and typed this entry. Goodbye forever.

< / Monday, June 21, 2004, 09:52 p.m.

God. I have a huge headache. Feeling cranky as shit. Had plans to go to Sentosa today but uh..well..I cancelled last minute. Damn. Maybe I should have gone. Ho well. What's done is done. Feel like killing someone. The onset of my period kills me. Tried to study today. I just don't understand the point of it though. It pisses the fuck out of me. Out of two hours.. I got through ONE, ONE PATHETIC CHAPTER of bio. It's so pointless trying to memorise and process pages and pages and pages of information you couldn't care less about. I don't even remember things I memorized earlier this year. I'm not trying to ungrateful or anything. I mean I'm happy that the only thing I'm required to do is study and get good grades. Instead of having to work in a sweathouse to support my growing family consisting of a drunk husband, a pair of twins, a daughter and the six month old baby.

< / Saturday, June 19, 2004, 12:42 a.m.

I'm stoning.. amin shits eggs. zzzzzz..

< / Tuesday, June 15, 2004, 05:46 p.m.

Listening to Brandy now. Dahaha. God I think she's so gorgeous. Umph. Which reminds me.. I need to get a new bikini. *guilty pleasures* Hopefully I'll be heading off to the beach on Monday with my darlingkys. If not then I'll just go with Idris aye? Unless he's working. Always a factor. Hot days always make me wish I'm at the beach. Hot days like today. Haha.. everyday so far. I was lying in bed last night..thinking about o levels. ERGH. It's really coming. Bloody hell. I'm fucking scared. But I can't make myself study. Well..actually I do but it seems like I don't. How is that possible? Ah fuck it. It really bites. Hrmph. Ho well. I'll just let it slide. For now...I think. I want to go mad and dance! Dahaha. Oh hey! Iron Chef is on. I'm hungry. There's nth to eat sia. I shud go get food. Ah! I can try my chicken pasta in creamy sauce recipe.. Hee. Okay'll I'll run off and watch Iron Chef for inspiration.

< / Monday, June 14, 2004, 05:55 p.m.

Here I am again. My left hand is uh..shaking. *stares* It's freaky. But interesting. Look what I found on Friendster...!~ A Certified Member of The Global Arabs Community!... We are pleased to have you in our prestigious Arab Family! ~ << G.A.C - Arabs 4 Life! ﻲﺑﺮﻋ >> Wow. It scares me slightly. Surfing ard Friendster. God I have no life. I should have gone to that island today. But..uh.. My left hand feels like there's no blood in it. Can still move it tho. Balasan for being online too long. Fucking hell. I'll go lipat the baju now.

< / Monday, June 14, 2004, 12:28 p.m.

So here I am at 12.30.. Unwashed and smelly *crinkles up nose..scratches armpit* I so cannot be bothered to do anything. I love the SMELLY GOO GOO MAN! (Who the hell....?) Okay. Hrm.. Guess what! My hamster..shits soft green crap pellets... is tt sth to worry about? Damn! It's on the keyboard. *scampers off to get tissue* Ergh. So as I sit here wrapped in my purple fairy queen towel. My wet hair clings to my neck. Water rolls down my back. I'll go put on some clothes ey?

< / Sunday, June 13, 2004, 08:29 p.m.

Hrmph. I feel absolutely lazy. Just finished watching three movies..in a row. Urgh. Implanting rot in my brain as usual. *scratches chest..cracks knuckles* I should be studying. I know.. I know. Hee. But..uh..ho well. Right. Hrmph. The other day I found out Amin has a girlfriend. Shocked by the fact that she's Chinese. I'm such an ass. God it's hot. I want to be at the beach. With my sexy Rastaman. The one with the cocoa skin. The one with the brown eyes, darker than cognac. The one with the beautiful hands, larger than mine. The one with the smile, the one with the smile. Mmmmm.. Hee. The man is not Amin by the way. Hrm. Sex on the beach is...ummmmh..*closes eyes and imagines...* Hrm. My parents aren't back yet from Johor. They went there this afternoon to get tickets for their trip. *tastes freedom* Shall not speculate for fear of jinxing the possibility of them going off. Still.. Can't help but think of going to the Starlight Cinema festival with Idris. Would be nice ey? I love it when the Arts Festival hits the streets here. Was at town on Saturday, yesterday. Everything was so alive. It's like the ground is pulsating. People were everywhere..watching so many different performances. It's like a giant party. Dancing on the streets. ..uh.. okay so they weren't exactly doing that. Heh. But I can make them do it in my mind right? Hee. Daha. I is very the much the evil whore. God it's hot. Okay I'll retreat into the air conditioned cocoon of my mama's room. ~come blow me a kiss baby~

< / Thursday, June 10, 2004, 01:34 p.m.

I hate Idris today. I hate his job, I hate him, I hate everything. Just realised I haven't gone out of the house AT ALL since Monday afternoon. I hate being here. I want to be anywhere but here. I wish I'm on a beach. I don't mind being there alone. I just don't want to be here. FUCK YOU IDRIS.

< / Wednesday, June 9, 2004, 10:04 p.m.

Urgh. I'm angry again. Being unstable again. I HATE STAYING AT HOME. IT JUST FUCKING BITES. Been at home by myself the past few days. I just want to go out and walk. Walk all over the place while having a conversation with someone who would listen. BDFHGEHFGNDBSGDJHFGDGFH GDFGYRBNCVHIUFGDJFHSYURNBCV!!!!

< / Wednesday, June 2, 2004, 09:41 p.m.

Urgh. Welcome to my first entry. My layout is looking ghastly. But I'm depending on Ili for that. So today is Vesak Day. Happy holidays. Feeling quite crappy right now. Just realised that I shouldn't be here. I should instead be uh..revising or sth like that for my Chem/Physics prac tomorrow. Ho well. I'll try to do that later. Mentally preparing myself for the lock up thing afterwards. Sth tells me I'm metally preparing myself for the wrong thing. Hah. Just realised how much I love Idris. The break up was good for me. I'm glad I still have him.